Rimmer Gone?
by Amy-kate
Summary: Rimmer is misssing so the red dwarf gang set out to find him.It is set before rimmer leaves the red dwarf crew, also its me first fan fic.
1. Lets Party!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own red dwarf or anything connected to it.

**Chapter 1: Lets Party!**

It was just an ordinary day on board the mining ship red dwarf. Lister was lying on his bunk reading "Spidermouse and the mutant ninja baby sparrows" when holly appeared on screen.

"what is it hols?" Lister said casually.

"well not meaning to worry you, I cant find Rimmer anywhere on board, I cant even find his hologramatic sequence in the data banks." At that moment Cat walked in,

"so you can't find goalpost head, Lets Party!" he said in a cheerful tone.

"are you sure holly" Lister said taking an interest.

"of course I am, how could I be wrong" Cat and Lister exchanged looks.

"well holly, you did make us go out in the starbug for 4 hours when you told us that a missile was heading for red dwarf, when, as it turned out it was some dust on your long range sensor" Lister said.

"that was just that one time" Holly said rustled.

"just one time! Were you been the last 27 times?" Cat said looking at holly astonished.

"why don't you do another scan holly, and get Kryten up here" Lister said putting his comic down on the table Kryten had made from the remains of talkie the toaster and sitting down next to Cat.



Meanwhile Kryten was down in the cargo bay polishing the holographic projection machine. Rimmer who would usually monitor his process diligently especially since Kryten could turn him off at this console was absent from the proceedings, Kryten paused and considered the abnormality of this for a second and then continued polishing.

"Kryten your needed" holly said appearing on a screen.

"I'll be right there holly" Kryten replied heading for the lifts.



Cat and Lister were playing draughts when Kryten arrived in Listers room.

"well what's happened sir, what's gone wrong?" Kryten said worriedly.

"Rimmers disappeared, holly can't find him on the ship" Lister replied half-heartedly.

"what colour decorations do you think we should have Blue or gold?" Cat asked Kryten.

"what are you talking about decorations for, Mister Rimmer is missing" Kryten said alarmed.

"The decorations for the party to celebrate him being gone, so do you think gold or blue" cat said.

Kryten looked at Cat in disbelief and said to Lister,

"we should go out in the starbug to try and find him mister Lister"

"well Kryten, it has been more fun without him, but I suppose we should, can you do a scan of space holly so we have an idea of where to look"

"Sure, scanning"

"NO you can't go and find him, he's a complete Smeg head!"

"I know Cat but we have to, otherwise Kryten'll go on at us about it for the rest of our lives" Lister said gluml


	2. Wrong Way

**Chapter 2: Wrong way**

Lister was going through the checks with Kryten for taking off in the starbug, while Cat was sulking. Cat came through into the drive room of the starbug.

"right what do you want me to do" cat said, Kryten and Lister regarded him with surprise.

"do you really want to help cat, or are you just offering to help to sabotage the trip" Lister said.

"I actually was offering to help, but your suggestion sounds better" cat replied pressing a few buttons on the console. At that point Kryten rushed forward and moved the cat out of the drive room.

"I've put him to sleep, mister Lister, and it appears that he hasn't done any damage to starbug" Kryten said sitting down next to Lister at the console.

"right then pre-flight checks completed we're ready to go" Lister said initiating the take-off sequence.

"I've set the course mister Lister sir"

"switching to auto-pilot, let's go and check on cat Kryten"



"Hey cat wake up man" Lister said poking cat "what did you sent him to sleep with Kryten, he's well out of it"

"um, excuse me guys" holly said appearing on screen.

"not now holly, Krytens knocked cat out"

"but it's important"

"not the right time holly, what did you do to him Kryten?"

"well sir, I put him to sleep with a new blend of chloroform that I mixed up under mister Rimmers instruction sir"

"well get him out of it Kryten"

"I would sir, but there are two problems with that plan sir, you see, two of the ingredient mister Rimmer said I should use don't have a known antidote and secondly starbug has a very limited medical supply kit so even if I knew the ingredients to use in an antidote I couldn't make it as we don't have any on board"

"well what do we do then"

"I suggest sir that we wait it out"

"well I suggest that you listen to what I've got to say"

"is anything you've got to say holly going to help us wake up cat ?"

"well no Lister-"

"then it can wait holly! We need to wake cat up"

"but it's very important"

"NOT now holly" Lister said agitated.

"Mister Lister sir, I'm going to try to wake cat up with this injection, it's a long shot but it could work"

"fine do it Kryten" Kryten proceeded to inject the cat.

"well have you got any other ideas Kryten that didn't seem to work"

"right you are going to listen to me right now ok!"

"alright holly calm down, what is it" Lister said patronisingly.

"well your heading in the wrong direction, and straight for a collision with a comet"

"that cant be right holly, the starbug would have told us that when we input the course" Kryten said whilst he and Lister walked back into the drive room.

"well you are and you've got exactly 2 minutes and 37 seconds to change course to avoid collision"

"the computer says that there is nothing in our path holly"

"well that computer is wrong Kryten!"

"alright holly calm down I'm switching starbug to manual control"

"1 minute 54 seconds left"

"right holly, I've turned starbug around and am heading back in the direction we came from, Kryten this is weird the console says red dwarf is in the other direction but I'm sure we came this way"

"your heading back to red dwarf now so your console is wrong" holly said.

"Cat must have tampered with it before I removed him from this room sir" Kryten said.

"damn right I did captain chloroform, I don't want that Smeg head Rimmer back, I mean look at his dress sense" Cat said.

"well, I've fixed the problem and we're back on course to get mister Rimmer, so there" Kryten said to cat.

"do we have to?" cat said.

"yes" Kryten said. Cat left the drive room to sulk again.


	3. Ernie

**Chapter 3: **

Cat came back through into the drive room.

"Do we have to get Rimmer back?" cat said to Lister.

"yeah, we do" Lister said.

"ahhh, but you have to admit, he is a complete Smeg head"

"that he is"

"and you wouldn't miss him waking us all up at 6 o'clock in the morning would you"

"well no I wouldn't miss it"

"and the fact that he keeps on hiding the cigarettes and booze do you want him back so he can keep on doing that"

"no, I wouldn't miss that at all"

"and best of all with him being gone, you can get that kochansky girl you like as our new hologram"

"you've convinced me cat, lets go back to the dwarf"

"setting her down now sir" Kryten said.

"What we're back at the dwarf already"

"no sir we have arrived on the planet that holly said had a holographic signature on it"

"no take us back to red dwarf Kryten"

"I'm sorry sir, that's not going to happen we have to get mister Rimmer back sir"

"why?" Lister and cat said.

"because sir, without mister Rimmer taking up the place of the hologram, holly might load up some one more annoying than him as the new hologram before we can get back to the dwarf sir"

"who could be more annoying than that Smeg head?" cat said.

"well, there is Ernie McDougal"

"oh I remember him, yea he was that guy that would bore everyone to sleep at those team meetings" Lister said "thinking about it Ernie was so boring that his cyber fish committed suicide out of boredom, I never thought that that could happen but Ernie managed it"

"wow, someone more boring than goal-post head when he's talking about his 20th century telegraph poles. That's amazing" cat said

"quite right cat now you can see why we have to get mister Rimmer back" Kryten said with a nod of his head.



Lister cat and Kryten changed into the space suits, and walked into the air lock. The Air lock depressurised and they stepped out onto the planet.

"Hey Kryten does this place look familiar to you?" Lister said.


	4. The Ships Computer?

**Chapter4: The Ships Computer?**

Rimmer sat glumly in the rubber dingy. The scutter who was with him was frantically rowing trying to get to some land which it could get away from Rimmer or leave him there so it could be alone. Rimmer sighed looking at the frantic efforts of the scutter.

"that's not going to work you know, they've gone and left us, left me all alone on a water world which has no fish" the scutters efforts sped up

"you know you should just quit it and save your batteries" the scutter paused for a second then continued at a faster pace

"Right just ignore me just like them, I can't believe they left me, I mean I cant be that much of an insufferable git can I, well you couldn't answer can you you don't have a voice box." Rimmer looked dismayed at the scutter. The scutter stopped rowing and turned to look at Rimmer, regarded him for a second then proceeded to fall out of the dingy quite deliberately. Rimmer watched the scutter shocked by its actions.

"so you agree with them that I am a complete and utter git, well I'll tell you I'm not I cant be, can I" Rimmer called to the scutter that was slowly descending into the depths of the sea a number of sparks flying from it into the surrounding water as its wiring started short circuiting. Rimmer sat down in the dingy again and heard a small hissing sound, Rimmer glanced over the side which the scutter had fallen over and noticed a small tear. Rimmers eyes widened,

"OH Smeg!"



"I concur mister Lister sir, we have been here before, and it's the planet on which we encountered the holo-virus"

"so is that evil doctor woman still here?"

"no Kat, we saw her die the ships computers must have loaded another hologram"

"so do we know whether this new hologram has the holo-virus Kryten"

"I'm sure mister Lister that the new hologram would not have the holo-virus" Kat smiled and walked on ahead.

"Are you absolutely sure Kryten" Lister said.

"cancel lie mode, honestly sir I haven't got a clue" Kryten said with a whimper. Lister took in a deep breath before the two of them hurried after Kat.

Kat glanced around him, _where are Kryten and Lister? _He thought to himself as he heard a voice from behind him.

"hello, who are you?" Kat spun round.

"I'm the Kat, who are you?" Kat said looking around and failing to see anyone said "where are you?" frowning.

A woman appeared next to him, making him jump.

"I'm the space station computer, what are you doing here, all of the scientists were killed by the viruses"

"You're a computer" Kat said sceptically.

"yes, I am"

"you look more like a hologram to me"

"of course I do, when a space station has no records of a deceased person to load as its hologram it can design its own to help it access the station for damage"

"is there something wrong with this place then" Kat said alarmed.

"no, I fixed all the things that were wrong years ago and made some improvements to my designs. Your friends are coming down the corridor" the computer/hologram said.

"Kat! Who's that?" Lister yelled hefting up his Bazookoid.

"hey bud, its ok its only the space station computer" Kat replied cheerfully.

"how can she be the ship computer she's a hologram"

"well mister Lister sir, when a ship has been left with no humans on board for a long time the ship can choose to make itself into a hologram"

"so what your saying Kryten is that a ship can become a hologram but still run the ship"

"yes sir"

"well this hologram isn't goal post head so now can we go back to red dwarf" Kat said smiling.

"well we'll have to go back for fuel anyway soon Kryten so shall we go back for a bit and give an update to holly"

"very well mister Lister sir" Kryten said with a nod.

"you could fill up your fuel tanks here, I wont be needing much fuel unless you know whether there are going to be any more research done into viruses" the hologram/computer said smiling.

"no I don't know of any research being done, but what a good idea to fill the tanks up here looks like we wont need to go back to red dwarf for a while yet" Kryten said chirpily leading the way back to starbug.

**Authors note: **Please Please Please REVIEW this after reading this, by the way I know my grammars crap and sorry if I offended anyone in my replies to them after the comments which were made on my grammar. Any way Please review, and put in any ideas for the story you would like to read. Thanx 4 reading this far. Amy-kate


	5. Return of Captain Chloroform

**Chapter 5: The Return of Captain Chloroform **

"Undocking from research station now sir" Kryten said tapping at the control panel, Kat sitting in the back room was sulking again.

"Come on Kat, he's not that bad" Lister said.

"NOT that BAD!!! What are you on mate! This is goal post head we're talking about" Kat exclaimed looking at Lister incredulously.

"I know, but, well-"

"I KNOW, BUT, WELL!!!! This is Rimmer we're talking about, not Kristine Kochanski!" Kat yelled. Suddenly Kryten appearing from nowhere held a towel over Kats mouth, instantly Kat crumpled to the floor unconscious.

"KRYTEN! You can't just keep on chloroforming people!" Lister said.

"I know sir, you have told me before, but I thought that mister Kat was getting too excitable and it would make a pleasanter trip if he didn't keep yelling around the place" Kryten replied.

"I suppose it would Kryten but you could have just asked him to keep the noise down instead"

"that thought did cross my mind but then I realised he would then try to sabotage the ship again when we were busy so as not to notice what he'd done, this way sir we get the best of both, no shouting and no sabotage of the ship."

"Alright Kryten, when do we arrive at the next holographic signature?" Lister asked.

◊◊◊◊◊◊

"OH SMEG"

Lister yelled as Kat was thrown from his console as a missile hit the starbug. The moon base they had approached had seen them as hostile and had launched an attack. Kryten was still on the com-unit trying to get the computer of the moon base to recognise them as friendly.

Another hit and the power went out in the starbug. Kryten finally looked up from the console.

"I'm afraid sirs it appears we have been hit in the engine room" he said.

"YOUR afraid we've been hit Kryten!" Lister cried.

"I ask your permission sirs to go down to the engines and try to fix the problem" Kryten said.

"Sure Kryten" Kat said picking himself up.

"look on the bright side sirs, the moon base isn't firing on us anymore" and with a smile Kryten left to fix the starbug.

Authors note: hi, sorry it's been so long since I last updated and sorry this chapter was so short, but I've been really busy. Please review, I won't update until I have more reviews.

Thanx for reading so far. Amy-Kate


End file.
